In Self Esteem and Attraction, I mentioned how your attraction level is directly related to your self-esteem level. It is quite common for you to attach your self-esteem level to your perceived appearance. And, rarely will you perceive yourself to be even remotely as attractive as others perceive you to be. You spend 100% of your time with yourself, you know every single flaw on your body, every scar, every extra centimeter of pudge, every wrinkle. You know which breast sags more than the other; you know exactly how big your penis is compared to every other penis you’ve ever seen. When you add that knowledge to swinging situations, it can often make your self-esteem plummet even further.
So, how do you improve your self-esteem?
- Remember that everyone else has the same issues – every question or issue that you have about your body or your personality, everyone else has an equal issue. They may not have the same question or issue, but they have one that is bugging them just as much. If you really want to make yourself feel better start looking for flaws on other people. However, understand that doing so will create a completely different set of issues in how you approach others.
- Be secure / happy in your primary relationship – This can be difficult if your primary relationship is adding to your insecurities, which is not uncommon for new swingers, and is even more common for new swingers involved in open-relationships where they swing separately. However, security in your primary relationship, understanding that your partner is not trying to replace you, and that they think you are still the best there is (no matter how someone else might please them differently) is a huge factor in your self-esteem. If you lack that comfort with your partner, you both need to work on ways to correct this issue before attempting to swing. Swinging when your relationship is not 100% secure will lead to problem.
- Detach yourself from the outcome – There’s an old sales adage that asks the question “Do you like hearing ‘No.’?”. The answer of course is always “No.” (No one likes hearing no). The response: “Get used to it, because hearing No means you are doing something right, and every No is one step closer to a yes.”. Swinging is nothing more than sales. No, there is no money changing place, but just as in dating you have to be able to sell yourself to be successful. This includes being willing to approach without attaching yourself to the outcome. The more you approach the more likely you are to get a YES! and end the night happy. However, if you don’t approach the answer is always No. In most swinging situations the easiest way to detach yourself from the outcome is to remind yourself that you’ll likely never see these people again anyway, and even if you do – So What? Do you really think they are going to be upset or get their feelings hurt that you approached them? Heck No! They just got a big shot of self-esteem thanks to you. You gave them a gift.
- Be in the Moment – It’s so easy when approaching people in large groups to not completely tune into that person, to instead be looking for your next potential target. You have it in the back of your head that this one isn’t going to pan out so you best be looking for the next best option. However, by scanning the room and looking for your next potential target you are likely missing out on the one in front of you. People can tell when you are not really there for them, and when you are not making eye contact, when you are scanning the room looking for something better, they don’t feel that you are there for them. They feel that you’ve turned them down, and then whether you were interested they will turn you down, because they did not feel you were really interested.
- Fake it till you make it – Believe it or not, very few people you meet that seem self-assured and confident really are feeling that way. Most of the time they are questioning whether anyone finds them interesting or attractive. They are worried about the stain on their shirt that you didn’t even notice. They would rather be sitting in the corner of the room, or hanging out on the wall, than out in the middle approaching and meeting new people. But, they do it those things anyway, because they know it’s the only way to get what they want. They are faking it and you can too.
Self-esteem seems like it comes so easy to everyone else, the truth is that it comes easy to almost no one. We all have bad days, we all have body issues that make us question why anyone would be attracted to us. Yet, we push through. We make the best of what we have and you can, too. Do you have any tips that you’ve used to help improve your self-esteem?